Boise, Idaho — In a bold move that no one asked for, a group of deeply secure and not-at-all threatened heterosexuals have announced Hetero Awesome Fest 2025, a Pride Month counter-celebration for people who “prefer their beer light, their gender roles rigid, and their playlists exclusively Creed.”
Billed as a “totally-not-a-response-to-Pride-at-all” event, organizers say the festival will highlight the awesomeness of being heterosexual in ways that are neither insecure nor performative — despite what critics, therapists, ex-wives, and all of their teenage daughters say.
Planned Activities Include:
- The “No Homo” Three-Legged Race
Teams compete while clinging to outdated masculinity norms and each other. - Cargo Shorts Toss
How far can you throw a pair? Bonus points if they’re full of suppressed emotions. - The Silent Grilling Circle
Men stand silently around a propane grill, nodding once every 45 seconds to acknowledge each other’s presence. - Wife-Carrying Competition
Because what better way to honor women than by treating them like backpacks in front of a cheering crowd? - Live Podcast Taping: “Joe Rogan Presents: The Gender Binary”
Featuring 14 dudes and zero scientists. - Kids’ Zone
Face painting, balloon animals, and a reading of “Why Daddy Gets Uncomfortable During Drag Queen Story Hour” by Samuel, age 42.
Dress Code:
- Flip-flops with bottle openers in the sole
- T-shirts that say “I Identify as Tired of This Woke Crap”
- American flag board shorts, preferably with an eagle doing bicep curls
Food Vendors:
- Meat.
- More meat.
- A sad bowl of iceberg lettuce for appearances.
When asked if the event intentionally coincides with Pride Month, the organizer, a man named Kyle who absolutely has a boat, insisted:
“We’re not anti-anything. We just think it’s time heterosexuals had a space to be loudly, proudly, incredibly average.”
Despite the satire, sources confirm there will be absolutely no emotional vulnerability, boundary discussions, or scented candles at the event.
Final Thoughts:
If you’re wondering whether Hetero Awesome Fest is a celebration or a cry for help, you’re not alone. But in a world where straight folks already star in nearly every movie, run most governments, and dominate every sports bar karaoke night with Bon Jovi… maybe this festival is less about celebrating and more about needing a hug.
From someone who isn’t afraid to wear pink.
⚠️ Disclaimer
This piece is satire. It’s meant to highlight the absurdity of performative straight pride events and lovingly poke fun at fragile masculinity. If it made you laugh, cringe, or think a little deeper — good.
I’m proud to support and celebrate LGBTQIA+ communities not just during Pride Month, but all year long. If you’re curious about how I use photography to tell powerful, inclusive stories, check out my Portraits With Purpose page.
